40 Most Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes to Make You Laugh

40 Most Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes to Make You Laugh

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Best known as an American stand-up comedian for his work on Saturday Night Live, it is safe to say that John Mulaney has earned himself quite the reputation as the King comedian. Whether you are looking to loosen up a bit or garner some quick laughs from your buddies, a few John Mulaney quotes is sure to do the trick. 

From stand-up sets to interviews, this list of John Mulaney quotes is sure to crack you up. Here is a list of the 40 best John Mulaney quotes to give you a laugh whenever you need it.

John Mulaney Quotes

“Cancelling plans is like heroin, it is an amazing feeling.”

John Mulaney, Cancelling Plans is like Heroin

“I don’t know what it’s like moments before you get killed by a hitman, but I’m sure it’s not unlike moments before you are on a subway and a mariachi band starts playing.”

John Mulaney, Cancelling Plans is like Heroin

“When my dad came home from work, my mom told him that she found 2 cigarettes and a cosmopolitan which prompted my dad to ask- How does he know how to make a cosmopolitan?”

John Mulaney, Cancelling Plans is like Heroin

“When I was a kid, Nazis  was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table.”

John Mulaney, John Mulaney Didn’t Actually Want a Best Buy rewards card

“Yo looks like we found semen and faecal matter in the victim’s ear canal- Those are two actual things I heard on Law and Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon.”

John Mulaney, New in town

“Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ve never even spoken!”

John Mulaney, New in town

“It was like the doctor said to me- If this visit is to continue I have to stick a part of my hand into your ass.”

John Mulaney, The Time John Mulaney Accidentally got a prostate exam

“A Lot of Little Guys are gay, they’re flowy and have opinions on things.” – John Mulaney, John Mulaney was supposed to be gay

“When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian- American. Now the biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”

John Mulaney, John Mulaney fights back against bullies

“If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 P.M and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street, I’ll cross the street because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.”

John Mulaney, John Mulaney fights back against bullies

“I had a run-in with a 2-year-old girl. I know there are better ways to start that story.”

John Mulaney, John Mulaney’s Awkward child interaction

“When I would just have a couple of drinks my brain would be like Okay, I see where this is headed, we’re just going to power down now and get restarted tomorrow morning.”

John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney

“It’s always weird when I like to go out with some money and black out with no money. But it was a lot weirder when I’d go out with some money and blackout with more money. That meant I had earned money by Trading goods and or services.”

John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney

“So I have this new phenomenon in my life where like late at night on the street women will see me as a threat. That is funny. It’s kinda flattering in its own way but it’s weird because I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.”

John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney

“One day a homeless guy walked up to me and pushed me and said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town. You’re going to close with New in town?”

John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney

“Sometimes people ask – What do you think you’re doing? Now that just meant stop, they didn’t wanna know my thought process.” – John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

“I put up with a lot when I’m travelling. Like I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. Now I don’t want to name an actual airline, so let’s make one up. Let’s call it Delta Airlines.”

John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

“My email got hacked recently but it was kinda cool. They sent a spam link to everyone in my address book which is kinda nice because I don’t keep in touch with people. So that’s my bit for the year, that’s my Christmas card. It was nice. Email viruses bring people together in weird ways.”

John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

“Here’s how you meditate. You sit on the floor with your back completely straight, which I hate more than ISIS.”

John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

“When I was in school, my worst subject was math. They did this thing where they divided the class into two groups based on their ability. The first group was the Blue angels after the famous aviators and the other group was called Group 2. Oh, we were a swell bunch, we named ourselves.”

John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

“I look back on being 17 and wonder- Oh My God! How did I not die?”

John Mulaney, Comedy Central

“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was funny.”

John Mulaney, Best of John Mulaney

“All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”

John Mulaney, Netflix

“You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one look at me or I’ll kill myself’.”

John Mulaney, 30 Best John Mulaney Quotes

“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”

John Mulaney, Netflix

“Being married is so nice, I never thought relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.”

John Mulaney, Best of John Mulaney

“What is college? Stop going till we figure it out cause I have no idea for what it was.”

John Mulaney, John Mulaney was cheated out of 120k$

                                                             –

“Now, I do not know if you have been following the news. But I have been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone, everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.”

John Mulaney, There is a horse in the hospital

“If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.”

John Mulaney, Comedy Central

“College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?”

John Mulaney, John Mulaney was cheated out of 120k$

“This guy being the president, it’s like a horse being loose in a hospital.” – John Mulaney, There is a horse in the hospital

“We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

John Mulaney, 40 best John Mulaney quotes

“You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.

John Mulaney, Comedy Central

“I love Law & Order and I miss Jerry Orbach more than I do certain dead relatives.”

John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

“When I would watch an action movie as a kid, I would identify with the action hero who would help other people. Now when I watch action movies, I only identify with the side characters who are often in the corner rolling their eyes.”

John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

“My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”

John Mulaney, Don’t Call It A ‘Comeback’: This John Mulaney Kid Is Here To Stay

“I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.”

John Mulaney, Comedy Central

“The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”

John Mulaney

“I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”

Did you enjoy this pick of the best John Mulaney quotes? Follow for more such interesting quotes. Share these interesting John Mulaney college quotes with your friends and family and share some laughs.

If you enjoyed reading these 40 Most Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes, you’d be glad to discover our collection of 100 Best Funny and Sarcastic quotes!

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