Last updated on January 2nd, 2024 at 11:50 am
โ160505-D-DB155-007 โ, by DoD News , licensed under CC BY 2.0
Best known as an American stand-up comedian for his work on Saturday Night Live, it is safe to say that John Mulaney has earned himself quite the reputation as the King comedian. Whether you are looking to loosen up a bit or garner some quick laughs from your buddies, a few John Mulaney quotes is sure to do the trick.ย
From stand-up sets to interviews, this list of John Mulaney quotes is sure to crack you up. Here is a list of the 40 best John Mulaney quotes to give you a laugh whenever you need it.
John Mulaney Quotes
โCancelling plans is like h***in, it is an amazing feeling.โ
John Mulaney, Cancelling Plans is like Heroin
โI donโt know what itโs like moments before you get killed by a hitman, but Iโm sure itโs not unlike moments before you are on a subway and a mariachi band starts playing.โ
John Mulaney, Cancelling Plans is like Heroin
โWhen my dad came home from work, my mom told him that she found 2 cigarettes and a cosmopolitan which prompted my dad to ask- How does he know how to make a cosmopolitan?โ
John Mulaney, Cancelling Plans is like Heroin
โWhen I was a kid, Nazis was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table.โ
John Mulaney, John Mulaney Didnโt Actually Want a Best Buy rewards card
โYo looks like we found s**en and faecal matter in the victimโs ear canal- Those are two actual things I heard on Law and Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon.โ
John Mulaney, New in town
โWhy do people do that? People always shush animals. Theyโve never even spoken!โ
John Mulaney, New in town
โIt was like the doctor said to me- If this visit is to continue I have to stick a part of my hand into your a**.โ
John Mulaney, The Time John Mulaney Accidentally got a prostate exam
โA Lot of Little Guys are gay, theyโre flowy and have opinions on things.โ โ John Mulaney, John Mulaney was supposed to be gay
โWhen I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian- American. Now the biggest problem with that is that Iโm not Asian-American.โ
John Mulaney, John Mulaney fights back against bullies
โIf Iโm on the street on like a Friday at 3 P.M and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street, Iโll cross the street because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.โ
John Mulaney, John Mulaney fights back against bullies
โI had a run-in with a 2-year-old girl. I know there are better ways to start that story.โ
John Mulaney, John Mulaneyโs Awkward child interaction
โWhen I would just have a couple of drinks my brain would be like Okay, I see where this is headed, weโre just going to power down now and get restarted tomorrow morning.โ
John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney
โItโs always weird when I like to go out with some money and black out with no money. But it was a lot weirder when Iโd go out with some money and blackout with more money. That meant I had earned money by Trading goods and or services.โ
John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney
โSo I have this new phenomenon in my life where like late at night on the street women will see me as a threat. That is funny. Itโs kinda flattering in its own way but itโs weird because Iโm still afraid of being kidnapped.โ
John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney
โOne day a homeless guy walked up to me and pushed me and said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Iโm new in town. Youโre going to close with New in town?โ
John Mulaney, The Best of John Mulaney
โSometimes people ask โ What do you think youโre doing? Now that just meant stop, they didnโt wanna know my thought process.โ โ John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney
โI put up with a lot when Iโm travelling. Like Iโll book a ticket on some garbage airline. Now I donโt want to name an actual airline, so letโs make one up. Letโs call it Delta Airlines.โ
John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney
โMy email got hacked recently but it was kinda cool. They sent a spam link to everyone in my address book which is kinda nice because I donโt keep in touch with people. So thatโs my bit for the year, thatโs my Christmas card. It was nice. Email viruses bring people together in weird ways.โ
John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney
โHereโs how you meditate. You sit on the floor with your back completely straight, which I hate more than ISIS.โ
John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney
โWhen I was in school, my worst subject was math. They did this thing where they divided the class into two groups based on their ability. The first group was the Blue angels after the famous aviators and the other group was called Group 2. Oh, we were a swell bunch, we named ourselves.โ
John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney
โI look back on being 17 and wonder- Oh My God! How did I not die?โ
John Mulaney, Comedy Central
โI have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was funny.โ
John Mulaney, Best of John Mulaney
โAll my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still donโt understand it.โ
John Mulaney, Netflix
โYou all have a relative who is an expert even though they really donโt know what theyโre talking about.โ
โYou remember being 12, when youโre like, โNo one look at me or Iโll kill myselfโ.โ
John Mulaney, 30 Best John Mulaney Quotes
โYou have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.โ
John Mulaney, Netflix
โBeing married is so nice, I never thought relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.โ
John Mulaney, Best of John Mulaney
โWhat is college? Stop going till we figure it out cause I have no idea for what it was.โ
John Mulaney, John Mulaney was cheated out of 120k$
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โ
โNow, I do not know if you have been following the news. But I have been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone, everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.โ
John Mulaney, There is a horse in the hospital
โIf itโs something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if itโs truly funny, then itโs worth doing. Things arenโt worth doing for the sake of being controversial.โ
John Mulaney, Comedy Central
โCollege was like a four-year game show called โDo my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleepโ ?โ
John Mulaney, John Mulaney was cheated out of 120k$
โThis guy being the president, itโs like a horse being loose in a hospital.โ โ John Mulaney, There is a horse in the hospital
โWe started chanting, McDonaldโs, McDonaldโs, McDonaldโs! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.โ
John Mulaney, 40 best John Mulaney quotes
โYou canโt always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. โ
John Mulaney, Comedy Central
โI love Law & Order and I miss Jerry Orbach more than I do certain dead relatives.โ
John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulane y
โWhen I would watch an action movie as a kid, I would identify with the action hero who would help other people. Now when I watch action movies, I only identify with the side characters who are often in the corner rolling their eyes.โ
John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulane y
โMy vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and Iโll apologize to you.โ
John Mulaney, Donโt Call It A โComebackโ: This John Mulaney Kid Is Here To Stay
โI wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I donโt worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day youโll be able to make this into an episode of TV.โ
John Mulaney, Comedy Central
โThe more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.โ
John Mulaney
โI like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.โ
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Naveen Kumar is a writer and has a thing for collecting quotes and sharing them with people. Naveen is a space enthusiast. When he is not spreading good vibes or motivating people through quotes, you can find him sipping coffee while reading classic literature or on a long road drive.