100 Best Funny and Sarcastic quotes

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”

John Wayne

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

Earl Wilson

“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”

Anonymous

“I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.”

Anonymous

“There’s life without Facebook and Internet? Really? Send me the link!”

Anonymous

“Have patience in life, especially when there are too many witnesses.”

Anonymous

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”

Steven Wright

“If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.”

Anonymous

“Stop complaining about your life. There are people out there dating your ex.”

Anonymous

“Having children gives your life purpose. Right now my purpose is to get some sleep.”

Reno Goodale

“I’m at that age in life where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.”

Anonymous

“You talk to God, you’re religious; God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”

Greg House

“The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant.”

Anonymous

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

James Holt McGavran

“Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”

Anonymous

“How’s life, you asked? I’d say not enjoyable at all, 2 stars. I wouldn’t recommend it.“

Anonymous

“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.“

Anonymous

“Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you.“

Anonymous

“If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.“

Anonymous

“Everyone has this right to being stupid but well, it seems that you are somehow abusing that privilege.“

Anonymous

“True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together.“

Anonymous

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.“

Patrick Murray

“I hate two-faced people. It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.”

Anonymous

“I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room … but not too humid because. you know … my hair.”

Anonymous

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”

Anonymous

“I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.”

Anonymous

“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”

Anonymous

“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”

Anonymous

“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”

Anonymous

“I knew we’d be friends forever the moment I discovered that you also have no filter for your wicked and sarcastic thoughts.”

Anonymous

“The best thing about you and me is me.”

Anonymous

“I was innocent until my best friend came along.”

Anonymous

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

Anonymous

“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”

Anonymous

“I think I am in a love triangle. I love myself, myself loves me, me loves I.”

Anonymous

“If love is the answer, please could you rephrase the question?”

Lily Tomlin

“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.”

Christopher Marlowe

“It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.”

Woody Allen

“If you are cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?”

Anonymous

“81% of boys have girlfriends. Rest 19% have brains.”

Anonymous

“Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.”

Murphy’s Laws

“Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.”

Anonymous

“Single? No, I’m just in a relationship with freedom.”

Anonymous

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?”

Anonymous

“The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.”

Sophie Monroe, Afflicted 

“Ladies! Stop wasting your time looking for Mr. right just find Mr. left and drag that idiot to the right.”

Anonymous

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Rita Rudner, Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”

Courteney Cox

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

Phyllis Diller

“Oh, you’re dating my ex? I thought the five-second rule was for food only.”

Anonymous

“The one who loves least controls the relationship.”

Anonymous

“Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.”

Anonymous

“If you love something, set it free or on fire.”

Anonymous

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.”

Lily Tomlin

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

A.A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh

“Be yourself. No one else wants to be you.”

Anonymous

“If life doesn’t break you today, don’t worry, it will try again tomorrow.”

Anonymous

“I am just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.”

Anonymous

“What doesn’t kill you makes you wish it did.”

Bring Me The Horizon 

“The path of inner peace begins with three words. Not my problem.”

Anonymous

“Whatever you do, always give it 100% unless you’re donating blood.”

Anonymous

“Think like a proton. Always positive.”

Unknown

“When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.”

Bill Murry

“You are not useless, you can still be used as a bad example.”

Anonymous

“Happy New Tear!”

Anonymous

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

Will Rogers

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

Charles Schulz

“There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.”

Anonymous

“We’re all going to really miss doing your work for you.”

ANONYMOUS

“Congratulations on getting promoted to the job you’re already doing.”

ANONYMOUS

“I should get an award for how I’ve managed to not punch you in the face every time I see you.”

Anonymous

“The only significant difference between work and hell is probably that I would like more people in Hell.”

Tony Reeves

“Everybody brings joy to this office… some when they enter, some when they exit.”

Tony Reeves

“I’d have better people skills if I worked with better people.”

Anonymous

“I actively avoid office politics by hating everybody equally.”

Anonymous

“Pride, commitment, and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.”

Anonymous

“You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We’ll train you.”

Anonymous

“Appearing busy to avoid being laid off has become more exhausting than actually working.”

Tony Reeves

“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.”

Anonymous

“The reward for good work is more work.”

Anonymous

“When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.”

Jindřich Vobořil

“I work so I can afford the amount of alcohol required to continue going to work.”

Patrick Reeves

“It’s so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.”

Anonymous