30 Funny & Famous Steven Wright Quotes

30 Funny & Famous Steven Wright Quotes

Last updated on January 5th, 2024 at 11:08 am

โ€œLaughterโ€ by โ€œDavid Swiftโ€œ, licensed under CC BY 2.0

Born on December 6, 1955, Steven Wright is an American actor, writer, producer, and stand-up comedian. He is known chiefly for his distinctively lethargic voice and deadpan delivery of unique, ironic, and philosophical jokes. He was ranked as the 15th greatest comedian in 2017 by Rolling Stone. Steven first came into the limelight when his comedy album, I Have a Pony, was released in 1985. This success landed him an HBO Special, A Steven Wright Special.

Stevenโ€™s success is not limited to comedy only. He was awarded an Oscar in 1989 for Best Short Live-Action Film for โ€œThe Appointments of Dennis Jennings.โ€ He also received two Emmy nominations for Louie in 2014 and 2015. Whatever has interested him, he has done it. From writing non-comedy songs to painting, he does not hold back himself. Today, we will check out some of the best Steven Wright quotes and will dive into his world of laughter.

Steven Wright Funny Quotes

Steven Wright is known as the Undisputed King of Deadpan humour. Letโ€™s check out some of his funniest quotes to learn why he is the king.

โ€œSupport bacteria โ€“ theyโ€™re the only culture some people have.โ€ย 

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œThe judge asked, โ€œWhat do you plead?โ€ I said, โ€œInsanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?โ€โ€ย 

STEVEN WRIGHT

ย โ€œTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œToday I dialed a wrong numberโ€ฆ The other person said, โ€œHello?โ€ and I said, โ€œHello, could I speak to Joey?โ€โ€ฆ They said, โ€œUhโ€ฆ I donโ€™t think soโ€ฆheโ€™s only 2 months old.โ€ I said, โ€œIโ€™ll wait.โ€โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œWhat happens if you get scared half to death twice?โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
Steven Wright Funny Quotes
โ€œI worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, โ€œIf I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?โ€โ€

ย โ€œIf you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œI went to a fancy french restaurant called โ€œDeja Vu.โ€ The headwaiter said, โ€œDonโ€™t I know you?โ€โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œI went to a general store. They wouldnโ€™t let me buy anything specifically.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œI went to a restaurant that serves โ€œbreakfast at any timeโ€. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œIn school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
Steven Wright Funny Quotes
โ€œSomeone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, โ€œWish you were here.โ€โ€

โ€œSmoking cures weight problemsโ€ฆeventually.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œIf at first you donโ€™t succeed, then skydiving definitely isnโ€™t for you.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.โ€ย 

STEVEN WRIGHT

More Steven Wright Quotes

A person who doesnโ€™t hold himself from doing anything is what makes Steven Wright Special. Here are some more Steven Wright quotes to confirm his place as one of the best comedians of all time.

โ€œLight travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œYou never know what you have until itโ€™s gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
SOURCE: THE GUARDIAN
More Steven Wright Quotes
โ€œSometimes you canโ€™t hear me, itโ€™s because sometimes Iโ€™m in parentheses.โ€
SOURCE: A STEVEN WRIGHT SPECIAL

โ€œ24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
SOURCE: THE BEER DEVOTIONAL

โ€œI bought a new camera. Itโ€™s very advanced. You donโ€™t even need it.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
SOURCE: WHEN THE LEAVES BLOW AWAY

โ€œA lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, Iโ€™m afraid of widths.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
SOURCE: A STEVEN WRIGHT SPECIAL

โ€œI wish the first word I ever said was the word โ€˜quote,โ€™ so right before I die I could say โ€˜unquote.โ€™โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
SOURCE: WHEN THE LEAVES BLOW AWAY

โ€œI tell people Iโ€™m just a secretary for my own mind: Something comes into my head, and I write it down.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
SOURCE: INTERVIEW
More Steven Wright Quotes
โ€œFor every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.โ€

โ€œAmbition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œExperience is something you donโ€™t get until just after you need it.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œOnly one in four jokes ever works, and I still canโ€™t predict what people will laugh at.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œI bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.โ€ย 

STEVEN WRIGHT

โ€œI hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means itโ€™s going to be up all night.โ€

STEVEN WRIGHT
More Steven Wright Quotes
โ€œI was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, โ€˜Got any shoes youโ€™re not using?โ€™โ€

The way he delivers his jokes slowly separates him from other comedians. Making people laugh is one of the hardest things to do. So many comedians repeat their jokes in order to make others laugh. Thanks to Stevenโ€™s Wittiness, he is not one of those. His comedy realm also overshadows his other achievements of winning Emmy and Oscar.

Steven Wright is a comedian capable of continuously making you laugh and glued to your seat. Steven has pulled back many of us from our sadness. Letโ€™s hope his humor will keep providing smiles to millions of people. Do not forget to check out Steven Wrightโ€™s shows and get a dose of laughter. We hope you liked our collection of Steven Wright quotes and found them funny. Do not forget to share the article with your friends and spread smiles.

You can also check out these 37 Johnny Cash Quotes About Love, Life & More!

Naveen Kumar is a writer and has a thing for collecting quotes and sharing them with people. Naveen is a space enthusiast. When he is not spreading good vibes or motivating people through quotes, you can find him sipping coffee while reading classic literature or on a long road drive.

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