40 Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Quotes to Brighten Your Day
“Mitch Hedberg“, by Robert Cudmore, licensed under CC BY 2.0
Welcome to a world of laughter and clever wordplay as we delve into the comedic genius of Mitch Hedberg. Known for his unique style of comedy and brilliant one-liners, Hedberg has left an indelible mark on the world of stand-up comedy. In this article, we’ll explore some of his best and funniest quotes, showcasing his ability to find humor in the mundane and deliver it with impeccable timing. So buckle up and get ready to embark on a laughter-filled journey with Mitch Hedberg, a true legend in the realm of comedy.
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Mitch Hedberg was an American comedian known for his unique style of comedy. His one-liners and quick wit made him a favorite among comedy fans. Some of his most memorable quotes include:
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source:1999 comedy album “Strategic Grill Locations”)
“I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together.”)
“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together.”)
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 1999 comedy album “Strategic Grill Locations.”)
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together.”)
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together.”)
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 1985 comedy album “I Have a Pony.”)
“I like wearing a turtleneck because it’s like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.”
Mitch Hedberg
From his album “Strategic Grill Locations”
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
Mitch Hedberg
From his album “Strategic Grill Locations”
MITCH HEDBERG
(SOURCE: 2003 COMEDY ALBUM “MITCH ALL TOGETHER.”)
Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Mitch Hedberg’s unique style of comedy has earned him a special place in the hearts of many. Some of his best quotes include:
“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real hero here?”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: “Mitch All Together” album)
“I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: “Mitch All Together” album)
“I’m against pickpockets, but I think people should be allowed to test their own pockets.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I’m not a fan of the sun. It’s like the biggest lamp ever, and it never turns off.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
MITCH HEDBERG
(SOURCE: LIVE PERFORMANCE)
Mitch Hedberg Funny Quotes
One of the defining features of Mitch Hedberg’s comedy was his ability to make people laugh with his unique perspective on life. Some of his funniest quotes include:
“I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I once saw a wino eating grapes, and I said, ‘Dude, you have to wait.'”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Stand-up performance)
“I used to be in a band. We were called ‘Lost Dog.’ You probably saw our posters.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I wanna be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”
Mitch Hedberg
“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here, you throw this away.'”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I used to play in a death metal band. We were called ‘Executioner’s Tax.’ That’s what I figured my tax would go to, killing people in a brutal way.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I’m not a comedian, I’m a musician who tells jokes.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together”)
MITCH HEDBERG
(SOURCE: LIVE PERFORMANCE)
Mitch Hedberg Quotes Escalator
One of Mitch Hedberg’s most famous quotes is about escalators, and it perfectly captures his unique perspective on life. The quote goes:
“I don’t trust escalators. They’re never gonna break and then just become stairs. You know what’s gonna happen? One day they’re gonna break and just be a jagged, metal slide.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I’m against moving stairs. They’re always up to something.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have a fear of heights. I have a fear of escalators because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. And that’s just too unpredictable for me.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together”)
“If you fall down an escalator, it’s like falling down an entire flight of stairs. You just end up at the bottom a lot faster.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together”)
“The thing about an escalator is it can only become stairs. There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign. Only an Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: 2003 comedy album “Mitch All Together”)
“I’m tired of this back-and-forth, up-and-down on this damn escalator. I’m gonna take the stairs. Stairmaster says ‘no’.”
Mitch Hedberg
(Source: Live performance)
“I don’t like to use the escalator. Whenever I’m on the escalator, I feel like I’m in between things.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Escalators are like a ride that takes you from one floor to another, but you don’t have to do anything. You just stand there and enjoy the journey.”
Mitch Hedberg
MITCH HEDBERG
Mitch Hedberg was a truly unique comedian whose one-liners and quick wit earned him a special place in the hearts of comedy fans. His ability to take something ordinary and turn it into something hilarious was truly remarkable, and his legacy lives on through his many fans and the many comedians he has inspired. These 40 quotes are just a small sample of the wit and humor that Mitch Hedberg brought to the world, and they are sure to make you laugh out loud.
