40 Most Funny Parks and Rec Ron Swanson Quotes

40 Most Funny Parks and Rec Ron Swanson Quotes

PARKS AND RECREATION” by “Chris Haston“, licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0

Parks and Recreation is an American sitcom of NBC that aired from 2009 to 2015. It received widespread acclaim and remains a favourite, even today. Set in a fictional town in Indiana, it revolves around the efforts and lives of the Parks and Recreation Department employees as they endeavour to make their town a better place.

Ron Ulysses Swanson, portrayed by Nick Offerman, is one of the lead characters in the show who played the role of director of the Parks and Rec department. A “real” man who loves hunting, woodworking, despises the government and is stoic to the point of being distant but has a kind heart, he was an instant hit with all viewers. Here are some of the hilarious Ron Swanson quotes. Check out!

Funny Ron Swanson Quotes

Always delivered with a deadpan expression and meant as advice, Ron Swanson’s lines are a hoot to read through. Let’s take a look at some of the funniest Ron Swansons quotes.

“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

Ron Swanson

“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

Ron Swanson
Funny Ron Swanson Quotes
“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.” Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

 “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

Ron Swanson

 “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”

Ron Swanson

“Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”

Ron Swanson

“There is only one bad word: taxes.”

Ron Swanson
Funny Ron Swanson Quotes
“Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.”

Ron Swanson

“Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

 “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.”

Ron Swanson

“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

Ron Swanson
Funny Ron Swanson Quotes
“So you talked to Tammy? What’s it like to stare into the eye of Satan’s butthole?”
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Passing the Buck. The last refuge of the cowardly and Blackhearted.”

Ron Swanson

“I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

 “Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?”

Ron Swanson
Funny Ron Swanson Quotes
“Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.”
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”

Ron Swanson

“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”

Ron Swanson

”My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson Fishing Quotes

Ron loved the outdoors and enjoyed fishing in particular because it can be done in solitude and more importantly, even when drinking. Here’s are some of the most popular Ron Swanson fishing quotes.

Ron Swanson Fishing Quotes
“Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson Government Quotes

As a libertarian who believed in minimum government and minimum governance, Ron made his distaste for politics and bureaucracy very clear, despite being a government employee himself. Let’s take a look at some of the Ron Swanson government quotes.

” My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.”

Ron Swanson

“I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

” I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.”

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson Government Quotes
“Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.”
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

” I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.”

Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson Meat Quotes

Ron embodies what it means to be a meat lover and a true carnivore. He considered any meal incomplete without meat and looked down on anyone who did not eat it. Some of the most famous Ron Swanson meat quotes are listed below.

“Turkey can never beat cow.”

Ron Swanson

”If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.”

Ron Swanson
Source: The Best of Ron Swanson

“Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.”

Ron Swanson

If you’ve enjoyed this list of funny Ron Swanson Quotes, you can also check out 40 Most Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes! Don’t forget to share them with your friends and family.

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